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Ho ho ho. It’s me. MLSanta. And I…I’m already exhausted by this bit, let’s just move onto the presents thing
Houston Dynamo FC - That second DP spot
Houston did such a great job this year that we went out of our way to really reward them. They’ve already cleared one DP spot thanks to the departure of Teenage Hadebe and they’re looking to pick up another by shipping out Sebastian Ferreira. We went ahead and took care of that. Now it’s up to Houston to add the two match-winning attacking pieces that take this team from “good and fun” to “genuine Cup contender and fun.”
Charlotte FC - A second soccer ball
It feels like having two balls out there at a time would finally give Enzo Copetti and Karol Swiderski a shot at being effective when they’re on the field together. Or maybe we should make the pitch twice as big? Might need to go back to the drawing board here.
Atlanta United - Two new center backs
We splurged a bit here, but we got a great deal. And it puts them just one piece away from being a Shield-capable team, so, we figured why the heck not. The Five Stripes have been linked with MLS vet Jonathan Mensah and Norwegian international Stian Gregersen and it makes a lot of sense for them to get two starting-caliber guys in to help sort out a defense that gave up a ton of easy goals last year. They’ve already added a potential starter at goalkeeper in Josh Cohen. Now they can go out and use all those lazy gift card presents to buy themselves a ball-winning No. 6 to pair with Tristan Muyumba.
Nashville SC - An elite goalscoring striker (maybe)
They ask for this every year and every year we keep giving them something wrapped in the shape of one and it turns out to be like some nice socks or a book or two goals every 500 minutes or something. It’s our little inside joke.
CF Montréal - A long-term contract for a manager
It’s not even for anyone in particular, we just wanted to remind Montréal that they exist. Some managers even sign a second contract too. It’s all possible, Montréal.
New England Revolution - A 100% healthy Dylan Borrero
Ok, fine, we were a bit selfish here. We really, really, really want to see a full year of healthy Dylan Borrero though.
Chicago Fire FC - Coal
We’re not mad, we’re disappointed. And also mad.
Sporting Kansas City - A calendar
Sometimes it’s not entirely clear if they know when the season starts. If they know this year then they should be one of the top teams in the West without having to wait until Decision Day to find out if they’re going to make the playoffs.
FC Cincinnati - A second chance
What would you do with a second chance? Would you go after the girl that got away? Would you invest in that stock that could have made you rich? Would you let the ones you love know how you feel before time ran out? Or would you go directly back to the 74th minute of the Eastern Conference Final and try to hold onto a two-goal lead against your biggest rival?
Columbus Crew - A trophy case
Well, a bigger trophy case. The 2023 MLS Cup will look great next to the 2020 MLS Cup. Have we mentioned lately that the Crew have won two of the last four MLS Cups?
LAFC - A midfield makeover
With Kellyn Acosta heading out, now seemed like a great time to tear down some walls, open up some space and throw some shiplap on this LAFC midfield. Ilie Sanchez and Timothy Tilman are both fine players, but the whole group felt like it needed some edge and some new life this year. It might take one new piece, it could take a couple, it could take three but getting this sorted will instantly take LAFC back to a tier in the West they can occupy by themselves.
Portland Timbers - The childhood toy they always wanted but never got
It’s a metaphor. For rediscovering the youthful joy of a game model that allows them to actually try and score goals. It’s also a “The Santa Clause” ripoff, but it’s mostly a metaphor.
Inter Miami CF - The now-discontinued Concorde supersonic passenger jet
Back in the day, the Concorde took people across the Atlantic at 1350 MPH. It took three hours to get from New York to London. I figure the fastest commercial jet ever will significantly cut down on the time Inter Miami’s aging stars will have to spend on a plane. Look, I’m just a little concerned about peoples’ knees.
Orlando City SC - A DP No. 10
It’s such an obvious gift that everyone knew they were going to get it. Mauricio Pereyra is gone and the team is an elite chance creator away from putting together another outstanding season under Oscar Pareja. You don’t have to overthink your gifts, folks.
Austin FC - The ability to find joy in new challenges
Yeah, it’s a bit abstract. But you can’t help but think new sporting director Rodolfo Borrell is going to need it. I remain deeply fascinated by the challenges approaching Borrell as he transitions from working at a club with near-unlimited resources and no real consequences for using those resources to working in a league where resources are intentionally limited so that things are actually interesting. I just hope he’s having fun.
New York Red Bulls - An elite goalscoring striker (maybe)
I’ll be honest, sometimes we just do the same exact thing for New York as we do for Nashville, please don’t tell them, buying in bulk saves so much time though.
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